Zozo's

i wake up every day, early as a bird. i do what i'm supposed to do as a human, i do it well. and yet, deep down, i fear: i fear i'll lose the ones i hold dear because of that.... that monster still latching itself onto the attic of my mind. i'm afraid it will jump out. i'm afraid it will blow out everything i hold dear, everyone i hold dear. i'm afraid i will swallow the pills; i'm afraid i won't see my loved ones. i am doing what i can to survive, people see it and applaud me  i appreciate it all  but my pain lingers  i ache on, the monster creeps even now— it whispers in my ear, it tells me to end it all. my mind says i'm psychotic, yet my heart says i'm pragmatic. (im doing what i can to survive.)

Lana Del Rey- Young and Beautiful Heavenly Father, if the road of life leads to heaven, let my lover pass through his beauty outshines this wicked world. His beauty glows, oh, it glows, like the last champagne light at the end of the party. His beauty endures as the world grows colder. And, Lord, let him be your angel, even if I am left to burn. His wings shadow the threshold of infinity. The smallest atoms of his being spill into me like holy wine, filling my soul with a redemption I will never deserve. His heart a crimson rose, opening, bleeding, a bloom that brings me to weeping. His hands, strong as steel, never rusting, yet they could shatter me like glass. And his kiss, oh Lord, his kiss burns my soul with the slow sweetness of damnation, as though my fate were already sealed in the fire that waits below. Such heavenly beauty drags me to the filthiest sins. His love, unending, makes me ache with unworthiness. like a moth unraveling in the flame, knowing I will perish, yet choosin...

I live my days in nuanced pathways going to and from what i expect myself to do, going back and forth within life, a contradicting pendulum that irrevocably pulls and fulfills me. at times, overwhelm pulls me and exhausts me, but i function, like i should in this society. but i am not a machine, i am not... however, i do what is expected of me. sometimes, thought washes over me of whether i am a person, like the person i once thought i should be. right now, i am simply exhausted. but i will wake up tomorrow and start over, because i have to, because i have to. am i normal, or do i practise normalcy? like a goat in sheep's skin, eating the same grass, walking the same pastures, and yet never really belonging, never attaching. i make no sense, do i? but yes, i function. i am functioning, just decently.

you glowed and bejeweled the moonflowers, poison filled with illusory hope and serenity. and we both embraced, and we both strangled each other. we burn— oh, we burn so brightly, dear one. and yet, we turned too bright, and thus, we cascade down. no valley of flowers, no iridescent moonlight. no light, no hope— we burned into ashes. there goes my Morpheus, and so shall I cease to be. maybe in another life, we could have been. yes, we could have been. once, the light of my life, now becoming no more than a mere shadow that existed yesterday. there you go, like a dandelion, twirling away like a false prophet to one’s dreams and wishes. if only you had known how fickle words could have been, as people grow— and outgrow them. and yet, we live on, tragically, with beauty and grace.

Ignorance is not bliss. As I’ve grown older, I’ve become increasingly aware of that fact. Looking at life through the trajectory of my own experiences, I can now recognize how privileged I am, even in the smallest, quietest ways. Here I am, on the 29th of July, 2025, writing about my life, my unsolicited and unneeded thoughts and perspectives while out there, people are working and toiling just to afford food that fills their stomachs only halfway, enough to sleep through the night. I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I take medication, attend therapy, go through psychiatric evaluations and dare I say, these things are neither cheap nor accessible for everyone. I completed my M.A, but I couldn’t mentally afford to pursue a Ph.D due to my condition. And yet, here I am, writing about it, not worrying about immediate survival, not worrying about jobs, not worrying about rent. That’s privilege. I am grateful for the hard work of my parents. They’ve given me a beautiful house, with ...

In my 24 years of lifetime, I have encountered all kinds—people who amaze and fascinate me, people who make me think into the deepest pits of philosophical and scientific inquiry, and lastly, people who awaken in me a bottomless, crawling disgust. Some people really disgust me. They truly, deeply do. When you laugh at the plight of others, captured through the sterile, unblinking lens of the internet; when you urge, fool, and berate people to act the clown, and then proceed to mock them for it—when you take hold of someone’s sin, someone’s shame, and then laugh, ridicule, and bludgeon them with it. you still have the audacity to claim moral high ground, simply because “you would never do anything like that.” You just love to feel powerful, aren't you?  Well then, allow me to aggravate you with this: why would your God— your conveniently merciful, selectively outraged God —forgive you for laughing, berating, and tearing others down? Why would you go to heaven? Continuing to preach...