mom, where am I? who am I? what am I?

mom

am I happy?

will I ever be the type of girl worth loving?

with my sins and misgivings,

do i really deserve a salvation?

mom

will I be happy?

will I be the type of girl who could face life head on?

do i love myself?

mom when will I be happy?

will I be loved the way I would love to be loved?

even if my love will never be enough?

mom

im not happy with my love

im not happy with my happiness

im not happy with myself

mom

im not happy

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And So, I Rise

Oceans and Engines The world becomes brighter as I push myself to crawl out of the abysmal circle I once willingly let myself plunder into. My eyes, once dim, now grow curious and vibrant— a smile finds my lips as I breathe in the crisp, forgiving air. The labyrinth I never willed myself to leave begins to fade behind me, its walls crumbling slowly, steadily, as I inch forward. My crimes—cleansed. My pain—quieted. My sins—released. I become light again, free and agile. My wounds remain, but they remind me I have loved with all I had. With a bruised soul and a battered body, I gave and gave, surrendering all that I wanted for myself. And I loved— oh, how I loved. I loved so fiercely that I willed myself to disappear in it. I lost my way, knowingly, for a yearning that never quite returned to me. I walked and worked for decades, hoping and hoping— until one day, I simply stopped. And then, I saw myself. Not the self I longed for others to see— but me...

Coffee with my younger self: II

I went about my way as I abandoned that little girl and left her to beg for help from others, like I once did. Asking, pleading for love and affection. I cannot go back to her. I know I’ve already left her behind. I want her to sleep in peace, to dream beautiful dreams that make her happy. I cannot dream like that, mine are either hollow or nightmares. She doesn’t deserve to see that. She doesn’t deserve to know. She will find kindness from strangers who take her home. She will eat warm meals, sleep with a full belly, and close her eyes with wonder. I, on the other hand, can barely digest food or I eat like a pig and I dread going to bed. She doesn’t deserve to witness that. Her face is so full of joy, hope, and love. Mine is tired, hollow, and worn. She has to live the life she always dreamed of: smiling, hoping. I can’t even go one hour without a cigarette. After all the pain I caused her today, I know she’ll still forgive me. She might hate me for an hour or two, but she’...

I Awoke from Morpheus

you glowed and bejeweled the moonflowers, poison filled with illusory hope and serenity. and we both embraced, and we both strangled each other. we burn— oh, we burn so brightly, dear one. and yet, we turned too bright, and thus, we cascade down. no valley of flowers, no iridescent moonlight. no light, no hope— we burned into ashes. there goes my Morpheus, and so shall I cease to be. maybe in another life, we could have been. yes, we could have been. once, the light of my life, now becoming no more than a mere shadow that existed yesterday. there you go, like a dandelion, twirling away like a false prophet to one’s dreams and wishes. if only you had known how fickle words could have been, as people grow— and outgrow them. and yet, we live on, tragically, with beauty and grace.

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